I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
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this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Did…did a minotaur write this
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead