i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
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Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
🤔😂😂
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.