I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
You Might Also Like
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall