I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
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Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
*launders Kohls cash*
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it