@reallifemommy3

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking

You Might Also Like

@GreenishDuck

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

@Nickadoo

Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”

@1Happytwit

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

@FierceMess

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

@_itspat_

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

@joeljeffrey

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

@FillWerrell

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

@SortaBad

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

@Cpin42

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.