I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
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Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
Grandma: Nice one. High five!