I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
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How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Me as a therapist: omg same
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.