I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
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A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Perfection.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Oh yeah that’s it
scared to check what name she chose
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.