I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
You Might Also Like
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Noted.
Kids, do not try this at home!
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi