Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men

We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.

I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.

Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited

Obama: Joe

Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.

This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.

Super Hand Dog Face

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying

I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.

Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

broke down and did it

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing