@The_MartiniGirl

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

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@Tetley6969

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

@Fred_Delicious

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”

ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

@KeetPotato

honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*

@

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

@stoicsapphic

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

@shaun__gunner

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

@baconacid

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

@NotKarma

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

@sunyahu3

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?