At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
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IRON MAN: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?