Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.

Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.

I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches

“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.

I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.

“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”

-first taxidermist

these two trucks have the same bed length

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.

The Internet is good for two things

1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer

My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.