I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
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*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.