I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
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What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Living the best life.. 😊