I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum
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Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
why I oughta
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Discuss
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
