I would love to ker-sploosh this.
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There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
So we got a goldfish…
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.