Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg

My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now

Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.

Orange is oranging 🟠

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.

as is their right

I can’t 🤣🤣🤣

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?

Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*

her: I like my men strong

me: *lifts-*

her: but sensitive

me: *-a puppy*

what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything

are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something