I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
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wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind