I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
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Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
The honesty is refreshing