@Squizbot

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

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@Aspersioncast

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

@MelvinofYork

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

@Loli_Sug

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

@aaronasellars

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

@shaun__gunner

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

@MoistPork

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

@TEXASVETERAN

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

@iAmDelFreaky

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.