I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
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The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing