I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
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Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Yup.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played