I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

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[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.


I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.


*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance


Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.


I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.


[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there


When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose


[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]


4 y/o: he died dad

Me: …

4 y/o: …

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%


“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”