I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
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Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
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