I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
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My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR