I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
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Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”