I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
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So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.