I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
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Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’