I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
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nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Watermelon Boss!
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t