I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
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Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Who’s ready for Friday?!
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.