I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
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DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong