@JimmerThatisAll

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

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@SamGrittner

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish

SNAIL WIFE: Oh no

HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT

@behindyourback

*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW

@WilliamAder

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

@JohnMayer

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

@iwearaonesie

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

@TheWoodenslurpy

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

@KyleMcDowell86

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

@BeagirlNJ

Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food

Priorities

@SnarkyMommy78

“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”

– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong