I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
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BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest