I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
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Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.