I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
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Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
What the hell happened here.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Tell me you get it…🤣
No Google it does not
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.