I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
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Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
oh you wanna fight?!
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.