I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
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Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball