I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
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Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
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It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
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an octopus is just a wet spider
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
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[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
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When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit