I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
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Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”