I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
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Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
there has never been a better use of this meme
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?