I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
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Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
THIS HEADLINE
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.