i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
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CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?