i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
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The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
M: he likes music
M: we’re in a band
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
Me: South Arctica?
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
How to properly lift a body
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me: I knew it.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.
Please don’t block me.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.