i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
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How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Breaking news:
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I’m putting together a team
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!