I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
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[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
shit, they caught us—run!!!