I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
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*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round