I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
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Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
i now pronounce you bounced.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.