I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
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*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.