I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
You Might Also Like
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
#Caturday
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets