I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
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the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat