I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
You Might Also Like
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
This will never not be funny 😭
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.