i would wish you the best but i am the best
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me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
I thought this was funny lol
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.