I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
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[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.