I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

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[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.


Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.


There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.


If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge


We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.


someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it


[phone rings]

ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.


Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”