I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
You Might Also Like
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who鈥檚 cleaned his bathroom I wish he鈥檇 use them too.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don鈥檛 have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
馃槓
Uncertain:
馃槓
Just married:
馃槓
Pregnant:
馃槓
Dead:
馃槓
Only $139.95! Act now!
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it鈥檚 grass fed
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn鈥檛 wrapped in plastic.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 馃憥鈿狅笍 #FallonTonight
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don鈥檛 worry, I鈥檒l make it look like an accident
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don鈥檛 know what I was thinking
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.