I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
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{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
584.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.