I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
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“just sayin” who asked you though?
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
The Joker was right
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Shower sex be like:
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on