I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.
You Might Also Like
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
The Sun’s probably Asian.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today