I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
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LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
#winning
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.