I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
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My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg