I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
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It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
people who do mutinies should be called mutants