I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
You Might Also Like
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Lassie, get help!
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Kermit goes Blue.